Tactical Unicorn
by GuardianAlpha103
Summary: What do you get when you put a human into a tactical rig and put a rubber unicorn head on him. Better yet, give him Gary Sue level abilities and power and drop him right in the middle of Pyrrha and Cinder's fight. Hilariousness ensues. (10/17 - Edited with Grammarly)


_This is a shitpost at best._

 _What do you get when you put a human into a tactical rig and put a rubber unicorn head on him. Better yet, give him Gary Sue level abilities and power and drop him right in the middle of Pyrrha and Cinder's fight. Hilarious ass-kicking ensues._

 _(EDIT 10/17) Ran the story through Grammarly for better experience_

* * *

 **Tactical Unicorn**

Leave it to the Multiverse to do the weirdest and craziest shit anyone will ever see. The one time I decide to do something abnormal and it bites me in the most unexpected way possible.

So it starts out with me dressed in a little bit of tactical gear for a costume party. I went all out, real quality stuff, actual plate carrier and military drop bag with included belt. It was something basic but acceptable for a party like this.

And then a friend of mine brought one of those novelty rubber Unicorn heads, a gag that everyone enjoyed. Of course, everyone wanted to see what I'd look like with the head, so I put it on.

And that's when I come face to face with the scariest thing in my entire life, a fucking dragon with the longest row of teeth I've ever seen. I actually jumped back and tripped, falling over a piece of rubble. Except I didn't cry out when I fell, I couldn't speak I quickly found out when I tried to scream for my life.

The dragon roared at me but ultimately ignored me as it took to the sky and began to circle whatever I was suddenly on. And then I heard the battle, weapons clashing and rubble getting tossed about like tissue paper. I turned and saw it, two very familiar looking women duking it out to the last, one side very obviously losing to the other.

A part of me wanted to help the endangered woman. A small portion of me believed I could despite the apparent disadvantage I'd have. So dumbly I stood up, picked up a decent sized rock and threw it at the lady who was winning the unfair fight. That got her attention.

Annoyed, she used whatever powers she had and drove a bit of debris through my chest clear out the back. I stumbled from the impact, but I felt no pain. I looked down at the long rebar piece and tilted my head.

I looked back at the women who refocused on her target, fully intent on killing the poor girl. I wouldn't stand for that. So ignoring the strangeness of being impaled and somehow still kicking I pulled the long rebar out and brandished it as my new weapon, smashing the concrete on the end to dust so I was left with a long metal pole.

I launched myself forward, clearing the distance almost instantly and then baseball whacked her in the back, bending the rebar and only causing her to stumble.

I looked at her, then the rebar, then back again, the mask I had on wobbling hilariously for some comedic effect that was wholly out of place in this situation. She turned with the meanest glare someone has ever given me, her hands alight with fire and orange lightning.

Out loud I would have said 'shit.'

However, my forced silence just negated it as I watched my impending doom.

She punched me with ten times the force of my little attack and sent me through the remains of a wall into another. And again I felt nothing. No pain. Even the wound I had from the rebar was gone and my vest repaired. I stood back up and dusted myself off. Clearly, I couldn't exactly die but I lacked any power to defeat her- wait….

I can break the fourth wall… can I...

How dumb was I to not notice the fact I was narrating this as it happened. I rolled my eyes and simply reached behind my back, fully expecting some weapon to be there. And thanks to the powers of fourth wall breaking and absurdness I now held a long automatic rifle. A very nice looking AR-15 to be the looks of it. Long skeletonized marksman barrel, ACOG scope, larger than normal magazine. Very nice indeed. The metallic red finish was absolutely beautiful as well.

I aimed and shot the woman for a more desired effect. She nearly tripped form the new and more forceful impact of 5.56 as she bore down on the kneeling woman. She made an annoyed grunt and turned back to me, yelling something about me just to die already and used her powers to fling more rubble at me.

It hit, but I was not there anymore.

She turned back to her adversary to finish her only to see the barrel of my gun in her face. Both she and the kneeling girl were equally confused and shocked that I was suddenly in between them. I tilted my head as she jumped back from my gun.

"How did you…?" Was all she got out before another round smashed into her face and sent her stumbling back more. Another shot, and another stumble. Now that I had the upper hand and the element of surprise on my side I switched it to full auto and began to unload into her, the somewhat average weapon (despite its modifications) somehow pushing her back and seeming to never run out of ammo.

When the weapon did finally click dry, I paused and looked at the rifle. The woman looked disheveled and tired, panting from the onslaught she went through, the other girl just seemed extremely confused about the whole situation.

I sighed even though nothing came out and rolled my head annoyed a little, ejecting the magazine calmly, the clip bouncing off the rubble below before coming to rest. I pulled another clip out of my supposedly empty vest and slammed it in, priming it with a good smack on the bolt release and taking aim again.

The woman stopped panting a moment when she saw me aim again and tried to raise her arms in protest. Whatever she was going to say was silenced as I began unloading into her a second time, not letting up for even a second.

When that clip finished, the women was on her knees exhausted, panting like a dog in the sun. I slung my rifle, it somehow disappearing from view and walked over till I stood above her. She looked up at me, still exhausted and beaten, and I merely titled my head to the side.

"W-what… are you?..."

I shrugged, pulled out a Degal and shot her in the head, whatever I fired negating her natural armor and passed through her head, killing her instantly.

When she collapsed, I ended up back at the party, still holding the Degal in my hand and now had the feeling of a rifle slung over my shoulder and clips in my vest. Everyone that was around me jumped back a bit when I suddenly became armed to the teeth. I looked around at them before pulling off the mask I wore.

I handed it back to my friend, reached over to a girl holding a red Solo filled with alcohol and downed the entire cup before walking out of the party with my new weapons in tow, everyone standing and staring at me silently as I went.

That was the last time I wore one of those damn rubber horse masks.


End file.
